The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
