the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
