Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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