Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
