When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
