i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
