Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
babies were throwing up all over the place
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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