She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
