i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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