I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
