the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
