My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
