Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
