You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
