Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
