those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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