Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
