A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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