Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
