thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
