I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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