you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
