Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pants are for mortals
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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