If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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