She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
