Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
