just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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