Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
is wine microwaveable?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
