I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
