I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
