I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
