I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
