Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
