I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
