I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
