Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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