Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
