My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
