I think my fart just growled at me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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