I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
