6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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