yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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