we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
