i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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