So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
