I can text with my tongue
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
