when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All I want is dick and wine.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
