You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
