What did we do last night that was yellow?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
