Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
