Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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