Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
